"I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believe."

Words that take me back. Back to lying in bed, waiting for my phone to vibrate with a friendly text...one I shouldn't have been waiting on. But I did. Every single night. Words that remind me exactly how much a heart can ache. Words that remind me what it felt like to feel trapped. 

Words that remind me how much that it hurt.

Wanting someone so bad. 

Words that remind me how much I hurt someone else. 

It's always been such a bitter-sweet thing - how I got to where I am. 

Part of me is kind of sick at the thought of it. The thought of breaking someone else's heart despite the fact that mine was in pieces already. I've never been a fan of letting anyone down, no matter how bad they hurt me. 

Then I look at the hand I'm holding...give it a gentle squeeze and feel our fingers intertwine a little tighter and my heart feels so right. I remember laying there alone, cold and wanting nothing more than to feel his hands. To kiss his lips. To feel his arms around me.

It was wrong. So wrong. But, it's what I wanted. The funny thing about emotions is they can be so confusing, so conflicting, so terrifying. But sometimes your heart knows exactly what it's doing. There was a reason I felt so empty and alone, there was a reason my hands felt so lost, there was a reason that I laid awake and waited on those simple texts until my heavy eyes couldn't anymore. 

There was a reason I felt like I needed him. 

I found a piece of me that I never knew that I was missing. Someone that from the moment I met I couldn't stand going a day without. I found someone that I not only loved, but I honestly needed. Someone who made me feel better...made me feel whole. 

Taking that leap was terrifying. I risked everything. I left all that I had ever known and went against lots of really sound advice. But looking at him now, sitting next to me, content, squeezing my hand...I know that it was right. That he was worth risking everything for. 

So tonight when I hear: