"I'd have changed a lot of things...starting with me."

Then slowly the darkness crept in. I let that happen and I feel like such an idiot for it. I found myself being more negative about life. Feeling like things were going all wrong and I deserved every bit of it, and that I was being betrayed by life all at the same time. Not once did I blame God, I knew it was my fault but it was easier to sulk than it was to ask God, my Father, to help me. To lay it ALL on him. I've always maintained that my life was in his hands through every bump I've had in the last year. I always knew he'd come through and life would be better. I always had that base line of faith but it was so weighed down with the negativity of the life around me. I had people reaching out to ME through Christ and I thanked them for their kindness and despite knowing what I needed to do I proceeded on at that baseline faith. Every now and then I'd feel myself getting close to what I can only assume is rock bottom and I wanted to hit it so bad. I knew eventually I was going to get that need and that hunger back, I just needed to hit that point of starvation. That point where theres no selfish pride left. 

I'm there. Today I looked at my husband and I told him that I finally realize how addicted to my phone I am. How it is hindering my relationship with everyone, God included. My kids can repeat my name 100 times until I look at them and put it down, my Grandma can make a remark about it and I'll put it down threw dinner but God sits back patiently...silently. I am using all of my free time to get sucked into the negativity which is the internet. The ease of sharing a bad experience or getting caught up reading or responding to pointless drama. All that wasted time. I could do so much with time I spend saying things that mean nothing to anyone and are honestly a waste of my time along with just adding negativity to the pool and wasting others time. I realized today just how parasitic and toxic friendships were I had last year. How they slowly chipped away at my faith as I dedicated myself to them and slowly left my Savior in the shadows. People so full of hate and I was so blinded by my kind heart that I thought that God had placed them in my life. Oops. Wrong there. I feel so foolish that I thought that negative people could in any way be appropriate to have along my walk. Yes I could witness to them, plant seeds...but walking hand in hand just turned out to be corrosive to me all around. As a person and a Christian. 

I have spent a lot of time recently just feeling like I need a change but not knowing exactly what. Now I know. I know what's holding me back, what's hindering my time and what helped break me down from a woman that I had worked SO hard to become. The devil really is in the details. 

I am in tears as I write this. My heart is so heavy. I feel guilt for letting it get this far. I'm ashamed of my pride, of trying to justify my attitude. I can't believe I let so much work slip through my fingers. I constantly tell Eric how God is working on me. Giving me mercy when I don't deserve it. Molding me into a better person any way I let him. I have been sheepish in my faith, I've let others drive me away from it. But I am done with life as it is. Done with scraping by on baseline faith. I want to be so on fire for God again, I can feel it building in my chest and I am just thirsty for it. Through Christ I was, and again will be, a better Wife, a better Mother and an all around better person.  It's going to be tough but I'm going to have to limit distractions,  stop wasting my time on things and people that may pull me back down. I want to be as alive as I feel. 

So today I'm going to change a lot of things, starting with me. Today I'm not only just handing over my life to God anymore, but I am once again giving him all of ME. 

With love, 

Kayla.