Remember to Breathe.

8:36 PM


When I think about being young nothing stands out quite like memories of weekend beach trips. Feeling heat on my shoulders...the taste of salt water in the air. My Father has surfed for over half of his life so growing up we spent a lot of time at different beaches. As a matter of fact I was on a surfboard before I could walk. Of course you wouldn't catch me on one now...like ever. BUT it was a huge part of the happy memories of careless youth. I had a really bad last week. Breakdown worthy. I worked more hours than is probably healthy and I stressed enough to make myself sick. Come Thursday, I needed away. I finished my session and then we headed South, dropping a wedding off on the way. Dinner was amazing and then to the hotel where I posted a set that was at its absolute deadline. Then it began:

Breathing.

I slept like a baby, no usb cord with me so I couldn't import anything and I was sworn from editing. It was amazing to just step away from work. I don't think that we discuss how important real breaks are. Even if its just a few hours.....





















What I Learned from Sucking at Marriage.

5:04 PM

Today I had an argument. It is one I feel has been repeated at least 100 times over the last 3 years. 


What went wrong?
Why did I leave?
Why did I move on so quickly?
Why him. 

I'm not even going to lie; It always hurts. It's like the first time all over again every single time. No matter how angry you can get at someone you once loved truly and deeply, there will always be a part of you that aches knowing that this is pain you caused. 

Yes, I suck. 

There is not one single answer for every question. It wouldn't matter if there was. I've repeated myself a million times. I've justified actions. I've apologized for all of the hurtful things I've done. I have apologized for being unhappy. Who does that? The argument always ends the same, there are fingers pointed and I remember EXACTLY why I left. Why I moved on and allowed myself to be happy. Why I fell in love with a man who saw me as an individual and not "the logical next step." 

Every time we argue I see more of what went wrong. I see mistakes I don't want to repeat. I learn more about how I cut him to the bone. 

I would never want to go back and fix my first marriage. It's a lot like my first car, I loved it. It was happiness and then things just went wrong. It wasn't the cars fault or mine for that matter. It was both. The car was old, it was wearing down on it's own and my lack of paying extra attention to it like it needed just made the situation worse. That's what happened to my first marriage. Ignorance happened. Unhappiness happened. Life, simply happened. 

But, with the bitterness, the hate, and all of the pain there were also many lessons. When you are young it's hard to not be selfish. Clearly this isn't the case for everyone but I think most of my generation have a sense of entitlement. Life should be easy, fairy tales should fall into place, and it's easier to buy a new one than fix the old. 

*for the record, my relationship was totaled.* 

In ways him and I still have that problem, one of us is constantly in debt to the other for all the pain caused. I am blessed we maintain a friendship of sorts but it is always there right under the surface. This is what I learned:

A relationship IS about you but it's also just as much about your partner. When you love someone their feelings should always be taken into account in your head. 

People make mistakes. People say things they don't mean. Try not to let it get to that point. Before you go off on a verbal rampage remember how bad those words would hurt if they were flying at you. 

Relationships aren't fairy tales, they're a second job. Everything worth having takes work and things won't always be perfect. With that said, don't look for perfection somewhere else. It is not real. Every single person you are with will have downfalls. Find someone who's shortcomings make you want to kiss them on the head, not smother them with a pillow. 

The final thing I learned is to value yourself. Don't stay where you are degraded and objectified. That's not love, That's ownership. A marriage is a partnership and treat it like that. You are only as strong as your partner so find someone who will stand beside you proudly. 

Life is so much easier when you're holding hands. 





<3 Kayla. 

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