Today, I am thankful for mirrors. That is something rather strange to be thankful for I'm sure but none the less, I have a reason. When you look into a mirror you get to see yourself through your own eyes...you notice every imperfection, every line and every blemish. Beyond the surface, you can see you as a person, your character shines through. That is what I am thankful for. I can look in a mirror and glance at myself and whether there is a smile on my face or my cheeks are damp with tears, I see Kayla. I see strength, I see love, I see happiness, I see loss, I see confidence and I see a hint of fear..sometimes I see my mother. In the end, what is staring right back from that glass is simply me.

Now, I have mulled over in my head a million times how to express my feelings right now. How scared I get....but, also, how happy I am. I have thought about the long apology I feel like I owe so many people and then I have thought about the fact that I don't really owe anyone anything. Because my life is mine, just like your life is yours. Not everyone is going to agree with the choices you make...just like people don't agree with the choices that I make. But, the truth is the only person that matters when it comes to acceptance is you. This is your life. When you're stuck in front of those 2 mystery doors and you don't know which one to pick and the crowd behind you is screaming "door number two, door number two!", remember, you are the one walking away with that prize, not the crowd. So when you open the door and there's simply a microwave and the dream vacation was behind door number one, the crowd will just mumble that it sucks, and here you are...a new totally useless microwave in hand and everyone else is going back about their lives forgetting that you ever even had a decision to make. Be the Wayfarer of your own life, take each step with grace and confidence. The path may be lined with people whom you'll pass by, and although they may have good intentions you will eventually bid them farewell and your journey will once again find you on your own and those people will no longer be by your side. In the end, you control your destiny, you walk the path of your life alone, so each decision you make, you make for yourself. This does not mean that one should be selfish with decisions but simply means that at some point you are going to have to hold your head up high and stop reaching for a hand or waiting for someone to nudge you. Life is not going to wait around for you to decide to live it, you must take a step on your own and breathe in the fresh air which is the peace you'll find when you let go of all the things everyone else expects and wants from you; make yourself happy first. It took me a long time to learn this. I can sit there and give everyone else advice on life but when it comes to taking my own advice, I am quite stubborn and hard headed. Finally, one day I had enough. I don't care what you think of me...to a certain extent of course. I have been called names. I have been put down. I have been told that I am absolutely worthless. I have watched dreams pass me by because I was too scared to try something new or to take a chance. I have lost friends and I have struggled with family. I spent months second guessing myself, wanting to do it all over, to do it different. But after the dust settled and I finally hit rock bottom, I found the strength to stand up. I dusted my hands off and looked around. I was alone. Just me, a mirror and an envelope from Betty.

Inside the white envelope, folded oh so neatly were poems printed on decorative paper. These were papers that I had seen years before as I lay in bed with her and she read them to me. Her poetry was typed upon them, it was a part of her right there in my hands. Her words were gracing my eyes and it was like she was there, with her arms around me telling me that it was going to be okay. In that moment, in her inner thoughts and struggles, I found strength. In that moment I knew that I could not hold on to something that hurt me so badly. I would not be a chained bird...I would not hurt like my Mother did. Of course I feel as if I am letting myself down, letting my family down and most of all letting my children down...but you are not in my heels, you do not know the emptiness I felt, the pain that I had to fight back each and every day. Am I perfect? No. Have I messed up and made decisions that are less than exemplary? Yes, I'm simply human. Do I accept my part in the terrible things that happened? Of course I do. Am I going to put myself through pain and agony to pacify the ideals of the outside world? Hell no, I'm not. I lost myself for a while...I lost my confidence. I lost everything that made me "Me". That night, I found myself. I looked in the mirror and I saw determination. I saw a Mother who wants her children to grow up knowing what love is, not thinking that people only have to tolerate each other. I saw a Woman who wanted more for herself, who knew she was worth being appreciated. I saw character, I saw potential. I saw the things in myself that everyone should find inside of them. I did not make excuses for the things that I cannot change I simply looked at the things that in the future I can do differently. I looked at the parts of myself that I was less than pleased with and said, "You know what, its not too late to change, it is not too late to fix it...to find someone worth fixing it for." So, you can think what you'd like, I'm not trying to change anyone's view on me or anything else, but I will tell you something that whether you like it or not, is true:

              I am not a bad person. I am a compassionate person. I would give the shirt off of my back to help someone I didn't even know out, my heart genuinely aches for others, I cry more about other peoples misfortunes than is probably socially acceptable. I realize all of these things about myself because I strive to be the person that I want to be. I want to help, I want to make a difference; even if its a small one. I have hurt people in my past, but that was never my intention and if you weren't there then you really know little about the complete set of events. I've taken nothing from anyone, everything I have, every little thing I do well, is not because someone handed me talent or handed me money, it is because I work for it, I have a vision and I make that real. So you can hate me all you want for made up reasons, but the truth is, I am just being me. I have no ulterior motives and contrary to popular belief life is not a competition. In the end we all die and if we spend time concerning ourselves with the things that we don't have...or even the way things ended...then we let life pass us by, we let our own happiness pass us by.

So I end this with one more thing I am thankful for. I am thankful for my Mother's poetry. I am thankful for her ability even years after her body has gone to be able to, for a single second, love me through her writing. To encourage me and give me strength through her words. To even after death, be everything about a Mother that I strive to be. I love you, Mom, and I will never forget how wonderful you were, and still are in my heart. I will always remember how much you love me and that even when I can't feel you or smell your hair, you are always right here with me...in my thoughts and in my writing.