There is a moment when you first step into the shower when every worry of the outside world is gone and you're protected by a blanket of warmth and calm. After a moment your mind relaxes, you let down your guard and then there it is, like an arrow through the heart, every worry and memory those walls were protecting you from.
For a moment I'm walking into a steamy bathroom, breathing in the fresh moisture, smiling warmly at the man I married. I'm laying in bed with my best friend covering my mouth stifling my laughter as to not wake my grandparents downstairs. I'm curled up on the couch watching court tv and talking to my Mother about life. For a moment, every single knife that I've been trying to pull out of my chest, twists and digs a little deeper. Every ounce of the past that I want to forget is right there playing so vividly through my mind. I think about where I thought I'd be right now, all the things I expected of myself. I was so damn determined to make a difference. There were people that I always thought would be there and now they're gone forever, some figuratively and the very worst one literally. My stomach knots, my eyes are full of tears, and in this moment I am helpless. I am different - and yet I am still me in some ways.
Behind every face of strength, there is a person struggling to be that way. A person with a past, and a person with their heart and head set on the future. There is no such thing as perfect, instead we all are given the opportunity to do our best with what life has given us and the choices we have made; thats as close to perfection as we're ever going to get.
With an aching heart tonight,
Kayla
