With Love From Betty: January 2012

With Love From Kayla.

12:26 PM

Today I am thankful for memories. I am thankful for moments that can live forever via a picture or video, I am thankful for words which are carved in my heart. I am thankful for the bond a parent has with a child, timeless and indescribable. Today I am thankful for my Mother, Betty.

2 years ago at this exact moment, my life was fine. It was a Saturday. I was contemplating going to a car show downtown but couldn’t quite decide. I had dinner plans that evening with my in-laws at a restaurant I was excited to try. I remember calling to see if my book of wedding pictures was ready to be picked up yet – I had been married for 2 weeks and 1 day. At 12:30 p.m. on January 30, 2010 life was as it had been, my Mother and Father were 10 minutes down the road and all was well. 6 hours later however, I was sitting in a cold empty room right inside the emergency wing of the hospital waiting for a doctor to come in and speak to us. My Father was babbling incoherently and I was simply numb. His words fell upon deaf ears; I couldn’t begin to tell you the thoughts that were running through my head. Those 5 minutes felt like a lifetime. A nurse accompanied a doctor into the room and they asked questions, God there were so many questions. Not once was I informed of her current state, it was just implied. I was to assume my Mother didn’t make it. That was probably the worst part, I just wanted him to say it, to tell me that she was gone, that he was sitting here badgering us about the days events because she hadn’t made it. Instead he calmly asked me if I had picked out a funeral home. This was an everyday thing for him, it’s the circle of life, people are born in that hospital everyday and sadly people die in that same hospital. To him, this was a normal evening; I will never understand the lack of compassion coming from that room. This was not standard to me, this was my Mother, the woman I had depended on for 19 years, the woman that 3 days earlier I was kissing goodbye as I pulled out of her driveway. What funeral home had I picked?! What kind of question is that in this situation?! I had to fight back the urge to inform him that I didn’t know because I hadn’t exactly brought my bag of funeral home brochures he seemed to think I had lying around. I answered all of his questions, I signed all of the papers, calmly and quietly – and then I had to make the phone calls. Out of the whole ordeal that was the worst part, calling her Sister…so far away, and all I could do was try to say it as easy as possible. There’s just no breaking that fall though. My heart ached, I had just lost a huge part of me but all I wanted to do was make everyone else okay. I didn’t want my brother to hurt; I didn’t want my Dad to be alone. I wanted to hug my best friend, to hear her tell me it was going to be okay. January 30, 2010 is not a blur to me as I wish it was. I remember every second. From the moment I got the phone call until Amber left after coming over at 1 a.m. because I just couldn’t sleep. I remember the calls from the Medical Examiner. Sometimes I wish I could forget…just forget the whole ordeal. I even pretend that she’s still a phone call away…just one left turn over the tracks. That she’s laying in bed watching Court TV and that if I wanted I could curl up next to her. It really is hard to lose a parent, I had always thought about what it would be like, I knew it would hurt but until it happens you really don’t know just how much it hurts. That day, I became an adult. There was no more uncertainty in my decisions; there was no more having someone there to hold my hand. It was now my turn to be her, to comfort my brother, to make sure my father was okay…to take care of me. At her funeral, I got up and spoke. My family had mixed feelings about it, they thought it would be too hard on me…my Father thought I wasn’t grieving. It wasn’t hard, but it did hurt to stand in front of a room full of puffy red eyes and broken hearts knowing that everyone there was patiently waiting for me to speak…for me to break down. I didn’t. I was solid as a rock. My message was short and it was clear: Always let someone know how much you love them and how much you care. It was simple…perhaps even worthy of a smile. I knew my Mother loved me, that she was proud of me and I wanted to make sure everyone in that room knew how important it is to share things with the ones you love because even though she was gone and it hurt, I had that peace in my heart and it will be with me forever. So again I leave you with this, never assume someone knows how you feel, tell them every chance you get because you never know what’s going to happen. You’re going to get angry at each other, but don’t stay that way, life is too short to sweat the small stuff. Say I love you every time you part; tell someone you’re proud of them, that you’re lucky to have them in your life. It may seem silly but in the end it really does mean the world. Tomorrows are never promised so always make the best of today and count your blessings because you are so, so lucky to have time with the ones you love. Do me a favor: never take your parents for granted. If I could go back and do it all over I would be angry less and I would love more. I would take more pictures, invite her over for dinner more often…make her cakes on her birthday, hug her every time she was within arm’s reach. I would tell her how much I loved her and needed her…how much she meant to me and how lucky I was to have her as my Mother. I can’t go back…but that doesn’t mean you can’t start.

To My Mommy,

With Love From Kayla

In My Daughters Eyes.

7:54 AM

Adalyn - 1 week old.

Today, I am thankful for God giving me the chance to be a Mother, for a higher power putting divine faith in me to raise tiny little fragile babies into beautiful strong little girls and eventually women.

There are few things, if anything at all, in life that changes you as much as becoming a parent does. Suddenly your life is no longer yours, there is someone there needing you, depending on you to keep them happy, keep them healthy and keep them safe from all the harms of the world around them. Although the responsibility can weigh heavy on anyone it is by far one of the most effortless instincts a Woman has. Its what we were made to do, to love and nurture sweet little offsprings. I remember depending on my Mother for everything, she was Super Woman to me. If I needed anything I knew she could do it for me, I could never fathom where she got this vast knowledge to deal with everything from Doctors appointments to extra curricular activities to helping me through those horrific early teenage years. If there were any woes in my life, she fixed them swiftly and effortlessly. If my heart was broken she was there with the right words and a touch of wisdom to help me get through it. I couldn't comprehend how she did it all, how she just knew what to do. Then I became a Mother myself. I learned to schedule doctors appointments, how to follow up on results, I learned tricks to make the perfect snack for a picky eater and I was quickly thrown in to signing little ones up for activities and making it to gymnastics practices on time with the appropriate attire. It all came so naturally, the phone calls, the waiting rooms, the pride I felt when my daughter did something wonderful. Even if no one else in that room cared that she just walked flawlessly on the balance beam you better believe I was bursting with joy. I am her Mother, I am her biggest fan. It didn't occur to me that I had become to Kadie what my Mother was to me, until I got a call from my Husband last week who at the time was laughing so hard he could barely start his sentence. He had taken Kadie to the doctor for a cold she had and when they left Kadie glanced over at the spot where her little sisters car seat should have been (Adalyn was with the babysitter) and to her horror found there was no Baby Sister there. In a panic she yelled up to her Father in the front seat, exclaiming that they had left the baby somewhere and that they needed to find "her baby". Aaron, with his obnoxious sense of humor took the opportunity to put my sweet little girl further in a panic by pretending to be just as upset and questioning Kadie on where they may have left her. After quite a few "What do we do?! What do we do?!'s" Kadie looked at her Daddy and informed him, "We need to call Mommy, so she can take care of it." Suddenly I am to one tiny little person, a hero. The one who can fix things, just as my Mother was to me. To realize that, left me speechless, all this time I was doing what I knew I needed to do to keep my children happy and healthy and safe and in turn without even knowing, I had become their world just as much as they had become mine. Everyday we are presented with opportunities that we may not even recognize, whether it be making your child happy or helping someone put groceries in their car because you're a more able body, you can effect someones life without even knowing it. If you were given the chance to be a parent, embrace that, never take one second for granted. Moments don't last forever and one day you're going to look back and be glad you put that little extra in for them. Every second of every day our children are learning from us, be the person you want your child to be. Be kind, be happy, be faithful. It is never too late to start. Anytime you see the chance to help someone else out, even if it is just getting something off a higher shelf, do it. One simple gesture that takes 5 seconds of your life could completely turn someone else's day around. As humans we have so much power to evoke emotions, make it a goal, every single day of your life to bring a smile to at least one persons face, in the end all we are left as are memories. The balance in your bank account will not be remembered nor the brand of purse you were carrying or how often you bought new things. People will remember you for how you were as a person, were you pleasant and awe inspiring as a delightful soul or were you just another face in the crowd? Remember, someone is always watching you, learning from you, whether its your children or a stranger passing you on the aisle, we are constantly given the chance to set an example or be a small time hero, take advantage of it.

With Love From Betty.

Be as a Mirror not as a Door.

4:39 PM

Today I am thankful for Moscato. I am thankful for that wonderful feeling a few sips of it gives my mind and muscles after a long hard day. I am thankful for long distance friends, the smiles they can entice simply by informing me of their impending arrival. I am thankful for little voices, sweet like sugar, reminding me that no matter how down I feel that there is always something to be excited about...like cinammon rolls on butterfly plates.

My thoughts today are about self presentation, I myself am terribly guilty of saying unlady like things that I would hate to see myself say on camera. My mother always said that I would be perfect...If I never opened my mouth, and that one day she was going to record me when I was acting obnoxious just so I could so how utterly ridiculous I looked and sounded. I wish she would have...I may have learned this lesson sooner.

"Be as a Mirror, Not as a Door."

Picture a person, someone that you would consider delightful, someone you would love to be around. Now look at all those lovely traits they have, perhaps they smile a lot or talk in short sweet sentences and always leave you with a smile. Now look at yourself...do you have those lovely traits? Maybe you do...at times I know I do...but maybe, just maybe you have things you can improve upon...which I also know I do. Mirror what you find to be beautiful, mirror happines and mirror love. Do those things as if someone is always watching you, examining you, never say or do anything that you would not be proud to own up to. Do not be as a door who shuts out delightfulness and happiness. I know right now, I could just cry, I had a bad day. But I will put a smile on my face, take a deep breath and I will hold my head high like a lady. No matter how bad my day is I still have so much to be thankful for, I have family, friends, health, a job that pays the bills and most of all I have the knowledge that although today was bumpy, the road of life will once again find me cruising on a freshly paved road, easily and effortlessly. Our todays do not have to be signs of our tomorrows, each day is an individual gift and sometimes you get an ugly sweater...but somedays, oh somedays theres a Range Rover with a bow waiting for you in the driveway. Simply be thankful that God has given you the opportunity to open a gift, no matter what the contents, each day is still wrapped tightly with love and tied together with possibility, how you use it is completely up to you.

With Love From Betty.

A cold heart is merely a smile away from warmth.

8:53 AM

Today, I begin a new journey; It is not one paved in certainty and it does not have a set destination. Today, I open my heart to the possibilities around me, I open my ears to the sounds of the world and my eyes to the beauty of my surroundings. Today, I give in to my natural desires and with a smile on my face and a confidence in my stride, I take a step towards peace. I will not be held down by the things that bring a frown upon my lips, I will instead embrace those things in which I cannot change with a sense of humility and move on along my path. I will do what is within my power to help others, to ensure that no heart that I have the ability to mend goes untouched and no tear that I have the means to wipe is left upon a rosy cheek. Today I realize that life is more than me, that I am blessed with opportunity to lift others and it is an injustice to not do so.

Today is bright. Today is beautiful. Today is waiting on you, and waiting on me.

My goal with this blog is to offer words of inspiration and encouragement, every single day. To offer a positive side, no matter what's going on in life. I will use it as an opportunity to show what a difference a positive attitude can play in someones life and to try to offer words when none can be found. I will do this using the same view my Mother, Betty, had on writing and its ability to help others by offering hope and understanding or just simply relating.

This is my first step on my journey,

With Love From Betty.