With Love From Betty: 2014

Hello, October.

7:32 AM

September has always been my favorite month. That may seem funny to anyone else in Texas who is well aware that it's just an extension of our summer; but I will always associate September with the first breath of cold air that the season brings, it always drags my mind away to the aspen in Colorado changing to the most beautiful gold. To me September is the month of possibility, the door step to the most welcoming time of year. September has alway been my favorite month - until this year.

I don't even think I realized that the month had come and gone until I awoke to people welcoming October. So much changed in September. I went from complacent comfort to a rush of things changing. I played the victim momentarily. I was hurt. This wasn't my life. My life is a careful calculation of choices, even those that aren't always good, and a plan. My life is comfort. September was not MY life. But now, with it in the rearview I get to see even more clearly that September wasn't the end of the world. A sudden change of plans didn't kill me. Losing friends because it was the best thing didn't kill me. Learning my limitations with work and my irritable uterus did not kill me. Knowing what it's like to question everything about the life I had chosen, did not kill me. September did not kill me. September made me strong. It brought in with its first cool breeze the determination that I always had and just hadn't had to use in a while. It reminded me of the headstrong girl who has never let life have the upper hand. With September ending comes a new chapter in our lives. Things are far from perfect right now but in the scheme of things I am so incredibly lucky and I know I am highly favored. The thing about having an ego is that God has no problem shutting you down. It's not about outdoing anyone or being the best at something, it's about taking the life you have and making the best of it, even when the situations seem childishly unfair. Today I woke up and I too welcomed October. I welcomed the thought that even at its very worst, my life isn't that bad. YOUR life, isn't that bad. I am so lucky. So blessed. I counted every single thing in my life that I felt was a burden and then thought about how lucky I was it wasn't worse. I thought about how displaced I've felt the last few weeks and then I was so grateful that there was a roof over my head and that we are so favored with possibility and that we had such a strong God on our side. I thought about the restrictions on my business and how some people have reacted in less than compassionate ways, and then I looked at how blessed I am to have a business that even with chains around its ankles right now does AMAZING and I have so many happy clients that bless me over and over. I looked at my health and how it breaks my heart to feel like a bird with clipped wings, and how much I stress day to day on what is "too much" and how it's all going to end; then I feel tiny feet kicking me and I am so grateful for these problems. I am so blessed that despite my discomfort my son is healthy and my body is doing its best to keep him in there and safe and so are my amazing doctors. There are not enough thanks in the world to express my feelings towards the likeliness of my carrying this sweet boy to term; even if that means I have to put myself before the demands of others, as a Mother it is worth it. There is so much that hurts, emotionally...physically and even mentally - BUT, there is so much hope that is so much stronger than any pain.

Hello, hope. Hello, consciousness. Hello, the ability to remind people that even when the world knocks you down, you build so much strength standing back up. So yes, hello, October.

With love,

Kayla

Excuse Me, Are You Lost?

11:20 PM

I have this innate desire to be interesting. I constantly want to learn more, to do more. I want to see the world, to smell fresh air and to touch the ground on far away lands. I am addicted to that feeling of openness that you get in your chest in a moment of complete euphoria. Moments like..

-The first view of the Pacific Ocean, mountains lining blue waters.

-A big soft bite of chocolate ice cream.

-A full speed Gallup on the back of a horse.

-The view from the top of a mountain, when it suddenly makes you feel so small.

-The first time he tells you he misses you.

-The silence beneath a canopy.

-The feeling of warm sand beneath my feet.

-The way sunlight can rain down and almost sparkle at magic hour.

-the way the world looks from 30,000 feet.

It's the exact moment when you feel like the world is yours, everything in front of you is a possibility just waiting for you to take hold.

It takes your breath away.

How could you not become addicted to that? Who needs drugs when real life is so damn amazing. Maybe it's a mad case of wanderlust or simply looking back at my experiences so far, but right at this moment I am so grateful for life. I am in love with it. I want more of it.

It is so hard not to get caught up in the politics of every day life, I myself get tangled up frequently. But when I step back and look at the big picture all of the frustration and stress seems so silly. This is MY life; that can be easy to forget when life starts running you. Where is that girl hiding? The one with the air of confidence and that infatuation with life? I can feel her in there, bursting at the seams. I want to find her. I am so hungry for it.

Have you looked at yourself lately? Are you really there? The you who has the world at her fingertips....if not, maybe it's time to do some soul searching. Is this really it?

Take time to breathe.

Take time to look.

Take time to listen.

Take time to feel.

Take time to be amazed.

Take time to find yourself.

Look What I Found Hiding!

8:29 PM

My old blog is little but a memory at this point. I miss it. I miss writing it. I miss the sass, the rawness. The crude humor. I miss the outpouring of gratefulness I would get from Women I inspired. While I am no longer that blogger, she is still in here somewhere and I still feel complete honesty in the things I wrote. At some point I finished this draft for a blog but never published it; it got lost for years in my outbox (sent to Eric for proofing). I don't think I have touched it since then so go easy! I am going to share it on here, hopefully it can put that old familiar smile on your face, and if you are not a reader from Every day Ordinary, this is a taste of who I was before WLFB. <3 Kayla

Sugar and Spice, Things Short and Things Nice

How to be a lady in an unladylike world

I am in a way, a Doctor. I may not be like a primary care physician or anything of the sorts but I am a Doctor of life, none the less. Broken heart? I prescribe Ice Cream and hours of John Cusack movies along with discussing all the men you could have slept with but chose not to. Bad day at work? I prescribe a glass of wine and a good laugh with friends. Feeling low on self confidence? I prescribe a new outfit complete with negligee under it to accentuate that beautiful body you have. For every rock bottom in life there is undoubtedly a staircase leading you back to the top; in some cases there is even an elevator. There are moments when life seems as if it is all going wrong and nothing will ever be right again, this is just the opportunity for a clean slate and a chance to take the oranges life gives you and make yourself a mimosa.

First off, nothing in life is going to be easy. From your first day in daycare whilst having toys stolen and your pigtails pulled you learn that life can be a very, very unfair place. Every person in this world has felt cheated at least once in their life; realistically I’m going to assume the average person feels that way roughly six million two hundred and four times before they die. Try to count that one on your fingers. The one thing that you can count on, other than things are going to get bad, is that things will ultimately get better. There is no obstacle in life that you will be presented with that you cannot overcome, learn from or be at peace with. What do we do when little Tommy pulls on our beautiful ringlets? We slap Tommy in the face and inform him that he will not touch the hair, and then take his bear and tell him he can have it back when he learns how to properly interact with little ladies; after which we will proceed to the table for snack and story time with a heightened sense of self confidence.

Every moment in life is a moment to define yourself; you can either be the doormat or the Louboutin pumps that take a confident step through the doorway. Now, you may glance in the mirror and shake your head and think, “I’m not worthy of those red bottoms” but the truth is that you are you, and you are worthy of so very much. For every smile you put on someone’s face, for every time you unknowingly made someone’s day, you are an amazing person and you deserve to be treated that way. Confidence is a seed we plant within ourselves and we must nurture it and help it grow. The plant which is your inner being can start out very fragile and at times even reluctant to bloom but, oh, when it finally does blossom how beautiful and breathtaking it is. We must fertilize our seeds with love for ourselves and water them with an equal amount of respect. I know just how hard it is to live in a society where beauty is a photo shopped image of a woman who looks like she does nothing but eat her vegan diet whilst running on her treadmill, when she’s not busy teaching yoga, of course. Let’s be real, because you and I, we are real women. Ms. Fancy pants in the Nike ad? She’s the product of adobe Photoshop. As a woman, you are a product of real life, you are the product of happiness and personal hardships, and you are a product of childhood memories and aspirations for the future. You are real. We are bred to be strong and relentless, we are made to be care givers and partners but we are also given the ability to be leaders. There is nothing in the world more beautiful than that which is the ingredients of a woman. It is said you mix a bit of sugar and a pinch of spice then combine it in a bowl with everything nice and Voila! We have woman.

This is life.

9:14 AM

My alarm was set for 2 hours ago.

Here I am, laying in bed, wrapped tightly in nothing but sheets. I need to get up. I need to walk up to my office and turn on my computer. I need to edit for at least 5 hours, and then pick up the house from the weekend. I need to make a dinner plan. I need to do a load of laundry. There is so much I need to do but I can't find the energy to get up. Maybe it's the progesterone deficiency or the 20 hour day yesterday but I am worn. I have a gallery that HAS to go out today but the thought of editing it makes my stomach turn. I have spent 2 hours replying to emails with questions that make my head want to explode and I regret more each day that my business emails can come to my phone. Today is one of my set days off but I can't afford that. My beautiful daughter has gymnastics at 4 so I will have to be done with my work by then. I will come home and continue to reply to countless emails and messages that my clients dub "urgent" as I sit across the room from my husband who is patiently waiting for me to power down. I will give out galleries that I spent hours on with not so little as a thank you, and I will thin people as soon as they see them because they don't like the reality that is their face and body. I will work again on the same images I felt were complete earlier. By now it's 11 and my eyes are tired. I apologize for working quietly and curl up with my husband who is already in bed and fast asleep.

This is Monday.

This is life.

Remember to Breathe.

8:36 PM

When I think about being young nothing stands out quite like memories of weekend beach trips. Feeling heat on my shoulders...the taste of salt water in the air. My Father has surfed for over half of his life so growing up we spent a lot of time at different beaches. As a matter of fact I was on a surfboard before I could walk. Of course you wouldn't catch me on one now...like ever. BUT it was a huge part of the happy memories of careless youth. I had a really bad last week. Breakdown worthy. I worked more hours than is probably healthy and I stressed enough to make myself sick. Come Thursday, I needed away. I finished my session and then we headed South, dropping a wedding off on the way. Dinner was amazing and then to the hotel where I posted a set that was at its absolute deadline. Then it began:

Breathing.

I slept like a baby, no usb cord with me so I couldn't import anything and I was sworn from editing. It was amazing to just step away from work. I don't think that we discuss how important real breaks are. Even if its just a few hours.....

What I Learned from Sucking at Marriage.

5:04 PM

Today I had an argument. It is one I feel has been repeated at least 100 times over the last 3 years.

What went wrong?

Why did I leave?

Why did I move on so quickly?

Why him.

I'm not even going to lie; It always hurts. It's like the first time all over again every single time. No matter how angry you can get at someone you once loved truly and deeply, there will always be a part of you that aches knowing that this is pain you caused.

Yes, I suck.

There is not one single answer for every question. It wouldn't matter if there was. I've repeated myself a million times. I've justified actions. I've apologized for all of the hurtful things I've done. I have apologized for being unhappy. Who does that? The argument always ends the same, there are fingers pointed and I remember EXACTLY why I left. Why I moved on and allowed myself to be happy. Why I fell in love with a man who saw me as an individual and not "the logical next step."

Every time we argue I see more of what went wrong. I see mistakes I don't want to repeat. I learn more about how I cut him to the bone.

I would never want to go back and fix my first marriage. It's a lot like my first car, I loved it. It was happiness and then things just went wrong. It wasn't the cars fault or mine for that matter. It was both. The car was old, it was wearing down on it's own and my lack of paying extra attention to it like it needed just made the situation worse. That's what happened to my first marriage. Ignorance happened. Unhappiness happened. Life, simply happened.

But, with the bitterness, the hate, and all of the pain there were also many lessons. When you are young it's hard to not be selfish. Clearly this isn't the case for everyone but I think most of my generation have a sense of entitlement. Life should be easy, fairy tales should fall into place, and it's easier to buy a new one than fix the old.

*for the record, my relationship was totaled.*

In ways him and I still have that problem, one of us is constantly in debt to the other for all the pain caused. I am blessed we maintain a friendship of sorts but it is always there right under the surface. This is what I learned:

A relationship IS about you but it's also just as much about your partner. When you love someone their feelings should always be taken into account in your head.

People make mistakes. People say things they don't mean. Try not to let it get to that point. Before you go off on a verbal rampage remember how bad those words would hurt if they were flying at you.

Relationships aren't fairy tales, they're a second job. Everything worth having takes work and things won't always be perfect. With that said, don't look for perfection somewhere else. It is not real. Every single person you are with will have downfalls. Find someone who's shortcomings make you want to kiss them on the head, not smother them with a pillow.

The final thing I learned is to value yourself. Don't stay where you are degraded and objectified. That's not love, That's ownership. A marriage is a partnership and treat it like that. You are only as strong as your partner so find someone who will stand beside you proudly.

Life is so much easier when you're holding hands.

<3 Kayla.

The Truth About Tears.

7:18 PM

I just got out of the what seemed like the longest, hottest shower possible. I downed a glass of wine and I just sat in it. Heat on my back. For that moment my muscles relaxed. I sat on the ground with my arms around my knees and my head against the top of them; then one by one I counted each tear as it fell and ran down my legs. One. two. three...four and five together. They were more warm than the water on my back. They were there and then gone. The story of the last week of my life. I thought hard about whether I wanted to write this. It may be frowned upon.... too much personal information. But, as someone who expresses emotion this way I just thought it was the right move if not for anyone else, just for myself. I know many do not know whats wrong right now, I didn't make a spectacle of it to the world. I guess I should start with the first tears.

Thursday is one of the hardest days of the year for me, it marks the last day that my Mother took a breath on this earth. I spent the day with a friend fighting being salty and trying not to cry at any given moment. At some point that afternoon it occurred to me... my cycle was late. For the record, it is never late. It is always there, reminding me I am a woman and not pregnant, AGAIN. I hadn't tested in days, I had counted myself out this month for a few reasons, A) that had become the monthly routine and B) we had just learned from a doctor that our chances of conception were slim at that point. So you can imagine my shock when I got home, told myself I was going to wait to test...then tested anyway and there was something that I hadn't seen in my past 60 tests over the last several months. There were two lines. It was faint but it was there. The second test was darker and suddenly it became real. I was alone when I first tested and I promptly made 2 calls in my excitement and disbelief. The second was my Grandmother.

Tears. I could not fight back the tears while I told her what had just happened. I was so happy. I couldn't even breathe. When you want something so badly and you see so many no's it is just surreal when you get that yes. I cried with joy. I was still very wary because of how light the lines were and how far along I was in my cycle. The next day I decided to call my OB who was thrilled to hear it and I told him my worries and they immediately scheduled me for blood work. At the time I was at Kadies appointment which turned out to be stressful itself but thats a whole other ongoing story. After hours with Kadies doctor I made my way to the clinic and the drained me of vials of blood. Because of how late I was getting to the clinic despite the doctor putting in a rush I was told I would receive results Monday. So began the weekend.

This is where I find the need to explain something, and it may be hard for some people to understand but it also may feel at home to someone else. We fall in love with the idea of children. Mothers seriously love things that don't even exist yet. From the moment I saw those lines I was in love. Like I said, it may sound crazy but that is just being a Mom. Its built in us. I knew in my gut that things may not turn out okay. I made my peace with it. I prayed, I told myself over and over that this was Gods plan and if it didn't last that there was a reason and that there was something else waiting for me at the end. I knew that if I got bad news that it would be okay. There will be another month, another cycle and there will be a healthy, chubby, incredibly loved baby in my arms as soon as it was time for it. So for days I watched my line get lighter and lighter with every test. I watched my hopes slowly turn to a solid white window.

On Monday I got the call, the levels were low. Too low to be viable. I would eventually start my next cycle (hopefully sooner than later) and I did. That is when the fact that those two lines weren't there became real. Thats when despite knowing it would be okay, for a moment it wasn't. A tiny little piece of my heart died. Yes, it could have been worse. I am well aware of that. But, over a weekend I went from a gain to a loss and all of the reassurance in the world doesn't change that fact. It happened for a reason and just like that is the truth, so is the fact that its okay to hurt over it too. The thing about love is that there are no rules, no time limits; its just there. So had it been a week or 10 it still would have hurt me the same because instantly that little clump of cells was that important to me. It was life. So tonight, after a few painful reminders, I am once again in tears. They will dry, I will still have to go along with business as usual despite the hole in my chest which is trying so hard to heal. I will smile at my friends jokes, I will meet with my clients and be sure they are taken care of, I will cuddle with my husband and be attentive to my kids. Because this is my loss, my tiny burden to deal with and the world doesn't stop for one person. I know that all too well and I know that in 2 weeks, I will be starting over again and that with our current situation with medicine there is a good chance it will be our month. But, please forgive me if I do not seem perky or interested over the next few days. I am trying, honestly but I am human, and I do have emotions...on top of being a human I am a woman which just makes that all the worse. So...thats it. That was my weekend. Like Eric said, that WAS the weekend, but this is a new week. So here's to moving forward.

With a slight ache,

Kayla