I am a social person. I love being around people, meeting people, entertaining people, my girls...random girls in bathrooms after a few drinks. Its just who I am. Not that anyone would probably guess that since I feel like I've been a recluse since September; not that I haven't had my reasons. I feel like I seriously spent the Fall in a fog. So much changed at the end of the year...I toughed through it with a smile, I suppose I still am a bit. I feel a lot better now that I feel more like myself than I did. I still haven't quite gotten over my hump and got back to being my social self but I want to explain why....

Every single pregnancy, birth and baby is a new experience. Its terrifying, its unpredictable, and its exhausting. With Adi I had this idea in my head of how I wanted things to be during and after delivery and it just didn't happen because of things beyond my control - like her being rushed to the nicu and me not getting to hold her skin to skin for hours. It broke my heart. With Kadie I had no idea what I wanted or what I needed so with Adi I had planned it all to a "T" in my head...and it just crumbled. After getting her home I was able to get back to the root of what I wanted with breastfeeding and bonding with her as a fresh newborn in the ways I missed with Kadie. When I got pregnant this time I knew what I wanted from the beginning and yet again I had expectations for my pregnancy, birth, and first few weeks. Everything started out beautifully, I was in amazing shape and stayed active right up until the problems started. While I know it could have been worse, it was not the active, perfect pregnancy I anticipated for my last. But that was okay, the baby was healthy and I was under the care of an amazing team and I stayed pregnant up to our ideal goal! My labor was mostly as planned, I opted for an epidural before they started pitocin (I wanted an unmedicated birth) to keep my labor from stalling again but I wouldn't have changed a second of it. My labor and delivery was so enjoyable, the labor went fast and I didn't feel an ounce of pain up until pushing time which lasted...are you ready for this? FIVE MINUTES. I went from 5cms to 10 in less than an hour and then had to keep myself from pushing as the doctor made her way to us, which was very quick luckily. As soon as he was out he was placed on my chest all gooey and crying with a shivering bottom lip and it was amazing. I really had missed out on that with the girls. If you haven't had kids or plan to have more do not skip that if you have the option. There is seriously nothing like that moment and he latched pretty good really quickly.

We were off to the start I wanted.

This is where things get a bit sticky, and not just because the gooey baby on me :)
I started ignoring texts. I honestly just wanted to be there in that moment...and the next several with close family and my husband who had been a champ throughout the entire ordeal. I was tired, drowning in emotions and I just wanted to "be". I was overwhelmed with love from my friends, and I was so lucky to be getting so much support and so many people so eager to meet our new addition. But what I needed then and the next several days was to bond and absorb. I knew how important that was and I didn't want to rob myself of it. I wanted to get a good breastfeeding schedule, I wanted to cuddle, to kiss toes and to get to know Finn myself. It was just yesterday, a week after delivery, that I began to reply to people. I had been wiped out, sore, preoccupied and just all around needed time for me.

I am so lucky that so many of my friends understood this, that it wasn't them and that I just needed time. I can definitely say that I am not sorry for it. If you're a Mom or Mom-to-be I want to make something really clear: NEVER apologize for putting bonding first. That is time you don't get twice and the baby will still be just as cute a week later or whenever you feel up to getting back into a social groove. Don't feel bad about it. Don't let anyone make you think you're being selfish. Selfish is assuming that someone who just went through a major life changing event is up to entertaining a parading a baby around to hands that you are eyeballing to make sure are sanitized. You need to move at your own pace.

I can happily say that our first week home has been wonderful. Despite 2 long nights we have managed to sleep, we gladly put our phones down and cuddled together - all three of us. We smiled at the kind messages we received, are grateful for amazing grandparents (and great) that have been such a huge help, and I am glad we didn't let ourselves become overwhelmed. We are finally back on track, picking up where we left off in November and I don't think I would change any of it. Its going to be a while before I am back to where I want to be in many different ways but I can't help but smile because it feels amazing with life just as it is right now. I know that things will go back to "normal" so I am not rushing anything because I know that I won't get this time back, there aren't do overs so its silly to not find the best in every moment and embrace it.