Living in the Grey: Its okay to say No.
8:37 AMI feel like life is so black and white, but I am forever in a grey area. The place between, where the colors bleed together just slightly. Forever reliving painful moments, but making excuses as to why they were okay. When you look back hindsight is always 20/20 and in that clarity you sometimes begin to realize things.
Things like its not normal to cry during and after sex. That its not okay to tell yourself, or for anyone to tell you, that this will be over quickly.
It is so hard to even type this. I have gone over it in my head a million times. I have confided in my friends, my husband, my soul, and each time I was told I need to tell this story because it is something that is so often taboo. This is a place that it is so easy to feel alone in. This is something that is not talked about nearly often enough. We saw with the “me, too” movement just how many women had been put in uncomfortable situations by others and what a vast amount it was. I have shared my own story of being a young girl in a very uncomfortable position. But what I never shared, was being a grown woman battling with the idea that as a wife, it was my job to be sure my husband was pleased. Even if being touched was the furthest thing from what I wanted.
A few months ago my current husband and I were talking about consent and body language. I can’t quite remember what led to the conversation but he pointed out that sometimes yes, doesn’t mean yes. I was in awe listening to him talk about how when he was younger he was told to always pay attention to a woman’s body language. In that moment, I loved him just a touch more. He had said something that illuminated the light inside my head that had gone off so many times before about my sexual relationship at the end of my last marriage.
It was not okay.
I want to start out here by explaining what I mean, and why this was a gray area to me. This is my second marriage, and my relationship into my second marriage came directly after my first. It was a tough situation and a very rough several months for everyone involved. As my first marriage was drawing to an end, and I had already emotionally tapped out and had made my unhappiness very apparent and desire for separation, the transition was rough. My ex was not ready to part ways, and wanted to hold on in any way he could and keep parts of our relationship normal in hopes that this would not be the actual end. Part of this was of course sex. Night after night I would put it off as long as I could, not responding to advances, laying there feeling dead inside. Wanting to be dead. Each time it ended the same, me crying into my pillow feeling like the worlds smallest person. Why didn’t I just say no? Because that is one of those things that is easier said than done. In my head, I was already causing him a great amount of pain and I could not bear to cause anymore. If this made it easier for him then how could it be wrong? Did it matter I didn’t want it? To me then, it didn’t. I was doing my job and sometimes we just really hate our jobs and why would you tell your boss you hate working there? So I kept quiet, and broken, and I prayed that one day I would not be laying there feeling like that.
And then one day I wasn’t. One day I was laying in bed next to someone who asked me each time he kissed me if it was okay. Someone who held me so gently and told me he couldn’t bear the thought of touching me if I did not want to be touched. Slowly, I glued myself back together. This was also assisted when my ex apologized to me in a conversation a few years later. He apologized for feeling like he was obligated to my body. For a moment my heart broke for myself, as it was like solidifying and acknowledging that this was not right. It had been many years since then, and I now have a mostly amicable relationship with my first husband. He is a terrific father and I do not think he is a bad person. But those thoughts of those nights have haunted me. Following me around like tiny shadows. So I thought, he deserves to know this. Maybe he was not taught about body language, maybe it was me doing something wrong. I wanted to know what I could have done to better protect myself so I took every ounce of courage I had and I called him and just laid it out there. I was met with a cold answer to all of my problems “You should have just said no. Had you said no I would not have touched you.” In his eyes, this was all absolutely okay because I did not utter words that would have further complicated the situation. Words that at that time may have put me on the receiving end of words that hurt more than the actions. So my curiosity, and admittedly a touch of rage is in full swing at this point, so I go for the throat..
“So why did you think I was crying?”
His response? “I thought you had a lot of emotions, it was a tough time, I honestly had no idea why you were crying.”
Why pursue me when I was clearly not interested? (paraphrasing this response because I feel its vital to not misquote it)
Because I knew you really wanted it and that you would eventually give in and want me.
He could have hit me in the face at this point and it would have hurt less than hearing that. I did not feel like a victim until that moment. The moment I thought would liberate me and help put this in my past now caused so much more pain that I knew was possible. Still, I did not blame him. I think that this is just society. Its the lack of education on how to have a healthy sexual relationship because dysfunction is such a part of so many of our lives that we begin to normalize it, to rationalize it. We find ourselves floating from the black area of “this is rape.” to the grey area where “we’re married. It can’t be, consent it assumed.” Secretly wondering if there is a white area at all anymore. There certainly is, but it took me a long time and a lot of help to get there. I had to relearn what a healthy sexual relationship is. I was fortunate with the fact that my current husband was quick to assure me that those things were not normal, and more importantly, they were not okay. I am so immensely grateful for this and If this helps just one person reading it then I have done a tremendous job.
When I made my “confrontation call” I told him the intentions of my questions was to write about this. I had even considered writing this under a pen name because I was so ashamed of it all. But no, here I am. This is me. I am a real person. I want you to be able to put a face to it.
My entire point was I wanted to know what I could have done differently to avoid this. The answer was that I should have SAID NO. So today, ladies, I want to tell you how to avoid sobbing into pillows by simply say “no”. Easy right? Thats one I can say “no” to way easier. For the record, I wish I would have vocalized my opposition but I thought maybe the whole crying bit was a pretty good implied “no”. But now I know that some men are in fact, dumb as fuck. That they are too inept to read body language, that sometimes you may need to even spell it out to them, maybe draft a word document. Certainly never expect for them to held accountable for their actions, as you could have avoided this all by being up front. You must have actually been playing hard to get. I feel like the biggest disservice we are doing to ourselves is rationalizing this behavior. I know this because I am still doing it.
There are things I honestly wish I would have done differently, I do wish I would have communicated better then, maybe he would have understood. I wish someone would have taught him that sometimes people don’t have to say “no” to mean it. That maybe hard to get sometimes means please don’t touch me. That when someone gives in that it may not be because suddenly they’re incredibly about this. There are so many lessons to learn here.
If you feel this way, please know that you’re not alone. Please know that it is not okay. Marriage does not mean consent.
If you may be making someone feel this way, please learn how to read your partner and understand that sometimes its hard for us to come out and say how we feel because life is never just that simple.
Someone is giving you the most personal part of them that they can, themselves, it is so important to treat that with the respect it deserves.
It is so hard to even type this. I have gone over it in my head a million times. I have confided in my friends, my husband, my soul, and each time I was told I need to tell this story because it is something that is so often taboo. This is a place that it is so easy to feel alone in. This is something that is not talked about nearly often enough. We saw with the “me, too” movement just how many women had been put in uncomfortable situations by others and what a vast amount it was. I have shared my own story of being a young girl in a very uncomfortable position. But what I never shared, was being a grown woman battling with the idea that as a wife, it was my job to be sure my husband was pleased. Even if being touched was the furthest thing from what I wanted.
A few months ago my current husband and I were talking about consent and body language. I can’t quite remember what led to the conversation but he pointed out that sometimes yes, doesn’t mean yes. I was in awe listening to him talk about how when he was younger he was told to always pay attention to a woman’s body language. In that moment, I loved him just a touch more. He had said something that illuminated the light inside my head that had gone off so many times before about my sexual relationship at the end of my last marriage.
It was not okay.
I want to start out here by explaining what I mean, and why this was a gray area to me. This is my second marriage, and my relationship into my second marriage came directly after my first. It was a tough situation and a very rough several months for everyone involved. As my first marriage was drawing to an end, and I had already emotionally tapped out and had made my unhappiness very apparent and desire for separation, the transition was rough. My ex was not ready to part ways, and wanted to hold on in any way he could and keep parts of our relationship normal in hopes that this would not be the actual end. Part of this was of course sex. Night after night I would put it off as long as I could, not responding to advances, laying there feeling dead inside. Wanting to be dead. Each time it ended the same, me crying into my pillow feeling like the worlds smallest person. Why didn’t I just say no? Because that is one of those things that is easier said than done. In my head, I was already causing him a great amount of pain and I could not bear to cause anymore. If this made it easier for him then how could it be wrong? Did it matter I didn’t want it? To me then, it didn’t. I was doing my job and sometimes we just really hate our jobs and why would you tell your boss you hate working there? So I kept quiet, and broken, and I prayed that one day I would not be laying there feeling like that.
And then one day I wasn’t. One day I was laying in bed next to someone who asked me each time he kissed me if it was okay. Someone who held me so gently and told me he couldn’t bear the thought of touching me if I did not want to be touched. Slowly, I glued myself back together. This was also assisted when my ex apologized to me in a conversation a few years later. He apologized for feeling like he was obligated to my body. For a moment my heart broke for myself, as it was like solidifying and acknowledging that this was not right. It had been many years since then, and I now have a mostly amicable relationship with my first husband. He is a terrific father and I do not think he is a bad person. But those thoughts of those nights have haunted me. Following me around like tiny shadows. So I thought, he deserves to know this. Maybe he was not taught about body language, maybe it was me doing something wrong. I wanted to know what I could have done to better protect myself so I took every ounce of courage I had and I called him and just laid it out there. I was met with a cold answer to all of my problems “You should have just said no. Had you said no I would not have touched you.” In his eyes, this was all absolutely okay because I did not utter words that would have further complicated the situation. Words that at that time may have put me on the receiving end of words that hurt more than the actions. So my curiosity, and admittedly a touch of rage is in full swing at this point, so I go for the throat..
“So why did you think I was crying?”
His response? “I thought you had a lot of emotions, it was a tough time, I honestly had no idea why you were crying.”
Why pursue me when I was clearly not interested? (paraphrasing this response because I feel its vital to not misquote it)
Because I knew you really wanted it and that you would eventually give in and want me.
He could have hit me in the face at this point and it would have hurt less than hearing that. I did not feel like a victim until that moment. The moment I thought would liberate me and help put this in my past now caused so much more pain that I knew was possible. Still, I did not blame him. I think that this is just society. Its the lack of education on how to have a healthy sexual relationship because dysfunction is such a part of so many of our lives that we begin to normalize it, to rationalize it. We find ourselves floating from the black area of “this is rape.” to the grey area where “we’re married. It can’t be, consent it assumed.” Secretly wondering if there is a white area at all anymore. There certainly is, but it took me a long time and a lot of help to get there. I had to relearn what a healthy sexual relationship is. I was fortunate with the fact that my current husband was quick to assure me that those things were not normal, and more importantly, they were not okay. I am so immensely grateful for this and If this helps just one person reading it then I have done a tremendous job.
When I made my “confrontation call” I told him the intentions of my questions was to write about this. I had even considered writing this under a pen name because I was so ashamed of it all. But no, here I am. This is me. I am a real person. I want you to be able to put a face to it.
My entire point was I wanted to know what I could have done differently to avoid this. The answer was that I should have SAID NO. So today, ladies, I want to tell you how to avoid sobbing into pillows by simply say “no”. Easy right? Thats one I can say “no” to way easier. For the record, I wish I would have vocalized my opposition but I thought maybe the whole crying bit was a pretty good implied “no”. But now I know that some men are in fact, dumb as fuck. That they are too inept to read body language, that sometimes you may need to even spell it out to them, maybe draft a word document. Certainly never expect for them to held accountable for their actions, as you could have avoided this all by being up front. You must have actually been playing hard to get. I feel like the biggest disservice we are doing to ourselves is rationalizing this behavior. I know this because I am still doing it.
There are things I honestly wish I would have done differently, I do wish I would have communicated better then, maybe he would have understood. I wish someone would have taught him that sometimes people don’t have to say “no” to mean it. That maybe hard to get sometimes means please don’t touch me. That when someone gives in that it may not be because suddenly they’re incredibly about this. There are so many lessons to learn here.
If you feel this way, please know that you’re not alone. Please know that it is not okay. Marriage does not mean consent.
If you may be making someone feel this way, please learn how to read your partner and understand that sometimes its hard for us to come out and say how we feel because life is never just that simple.
Someone is giving you the most personal part of them that they can, themselves, it is so important to treat that with the respect it deserves.
1 comments
I love you baby girl! I know we haven't spent a lot of time together, but you are and will always be family. Thank you for putting this out for the universe to absorb. It needed to be said and I am grateful that you had the courage to say it.
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