With Love From Betty: 2016

Love Her Through it.

1:09 PM

If you're looking for a quick pick me up piece...this isn't it. If you're wanting some nitty gritty honesty, however, then you have come to the right place. I missed my transparent Tuesday post so I am just going to get bare bones here instead.

I want to start this out with a quote. The authors name will be left out..because this isn't just a pinterest quote. This is something a man once told me, a man I loved very much a very long time ago when he was just a boy I guess. But these words have stuck with me like the sweetest nostalgic glue:

"I don't pretend to know you these days, but I could never forget."

Its rare I quit when I am ahead, but I love the fact that the person I was is still so fond in his heart, even if we're two totally different people more than a decade past that, and I am definitely not the girl he was in love with. Well...not exactly...I am still all the things I have always been, but I was so lucky that that image of me was never jaded by all the other things I have become. I did indeed, quit that while I was ahead and he never had to learn to love the parts of me that weren't so pretty.

So with that little piece I want to share this with you.....

Dear Men,

She will not always be the girl you fell in love with, just like you will not be the same man. We are ever changing, ever evolving creatures.

I can promise you more often than not she is always looking for things in you to love, as you grow as a man she notices it...as you become a father her heart is going to love you so much more. It may not always seem like she sees you...but its in our nature to always look. Its just the fun part of having a vagina...and a bleeding heart. Not to be confused with a bleeding vagina because she may see you slightly different that week....but its give and take. You can't win them all all the time.

I can remember the moment I knew my husband was in love with me. I could feel his eyes burning holes through me as he just stared amazed. I have no idea what he saw, but he saw so much of me in that moment. He saw things that made him just radiate love and I could feel it. I don't know if it was the way I laughed, something I had said or just the curve of my face, but he was in love.
When you fall in love with who someone is I think the hardest part is staying in love as they change; as we grow up - and we are constantly growing up, I don't care if you're 60. Priorities change, personalities change, people simply change. But when you really love someone I think that being "in love" should be able to change and evolve with us as well. So sure she may not be the free spirited, adventurous, sly fox she was when you started dating because other things have taken priority but those things are still a part of her. Her heart still has those same little wild streaks but her priorities have changed. We become women who focus on careers, focus on kids, who can't afford to be the carefree things we once were all the time. But that doesn't mean there still aren't things about her worth loving. Like the way she still finds it important to hold your arm because you still make her feel safe, or how she can successfully wrangle kids and get them all down for a nap at the same time - trust me thats a skill. So the things you fell in love with may not be as apparent on the surface but there are still things about her worth loving. Because I promise you, she's trying so hard and probably is already having a hard enough time loving herself. When you have small moments alone in the evening and you can breathe in the silence...is her face still not just as lovely with her hair thrown back and her lips finally relaxed from the day? She is a warrior - and you have no idea. That same strong heart is still there and you're just not seeing it the same. You're not looking for those small pieces of wonder that she still has. Maybe she's not always looking for them in you either...none of us are perfect. We all get caught up in life and it is so easy to put what matters on the back burner then we end up distraught and empty feeling with no idea how we got here. It's because you quit trying, because we quit prioritizing meeting each other, embracing the new people we are constantly becoming. On a first date I bet I was intriguing. The conversations never ending, the spark of rebellion...I am sure watching me have 3 beers and want to arm wrestle a man 3 times my size is pretty adorable...watching my eyes light up as I talked about the things I felt so strongly about how could you not want to drown in someone when they are so...interesting. So, a first date now obviously wouldn't be the same...but I am still that person. A person with feelings, and dreams and a spark. Even if its not the same, there are still things worth loving. Things that make me "me". And EVERY girl is like that if you give her a chance. She is so much more than just a Mom and Wife...she's still a woman and man you should meet her. Get to know the how amazing she still is.

So men, a friendly suggestion today...

If you can look at her and not find one quality she has, be it new or old, that doesn't make you want her on every level, that doesn't strike a chord in your heart...then let someone else love her. Its not fair to her because there is someone who can look at her now and they might not see the things you fell in love with, but they will see things about her that you missed. They may see how strong her dedication is, how hard she's working to be a million different things to a million people. They may notice how beautiful she is swaying in the kitchen to her favorite song...that hint of being 21 still hiding in the way she moves her hips...even if they're a little wider than the ones you one dug your fingers into when you wanted her so badly. The choice is up to you...up to all of us...we can either be willing to learn to love or let someone else do it. Its not fair to accept anything less because as individuals we are such beautiful creatures, all of us, women AND men. Someone out there is going to see the things you no longer take time to. So, lets commit to falling in love a million times for a million reasons...because how lucky are we to get to over and over fall in love...especially with the same person. Having a successful marriage is a choice we make every single day, loving someone is a choice we have to constantly make, its not always going to be easy and some days it may be really hard but the choice is still yours. You can choose to look a little harder at each other, choose to give each other the love you deserve. No one can make that choice that but you.

So...have you really looked at her lately?

With love and an ever-changing soul,

Kayla.

Why my Uterus is None of Your Damn Business.

7:21 PM

I feel like because of the title this one doesn't need a profanity warning.

If you would have asked me two years ago if I planned on having more kids I would have laughed. I would have looked at you like you were crazy and asked if you thought I was.

Well, spoiler alert. I am indeed apparently crazy.

Several people lectured me on how hard life would be with three kids. It's an adjustment they'd say. No idea how people have more. You'd go broke. So on and so forth.

Well I have three kids and the only thing I'm more poor for is me time. But, that's okay because I know that doesn't last forever. As the kids get closer to teen years I am sure things will tighten up but as of right now my world has not imploded and amazingly things aren't that bad. As a matter of fact, they're not bad at all. I love having 3 kids. I love watching them love each other and bond, I love watching them help each other. My heart is three times larger than it has ever been. We brave public places, we take trips, our world did not end like many well meaning people suggested.

Then, then came the news. I would defy the laws of middle class America and I would push a FOURTH baby out of my vagina. WOAH. We decided when Finn was a few months old (you know after you convince yourself bedrest wasn't *that* bad) that a fourth kid would fit us perfectly. After a few months of failed trying and no ovulation - I know I'm getting personal here - we decided to wait until summer and proceed with all the fun pokes and prods of in office baby making help. We never, and I mean never, expected a positive test when we got it. We were in shock. Excited but in shock. I mean it's been a few months and we still are. 4 kids is a lot of kids, I don't need anyone to tell me that. I can count. But you see, I don't see it as imminent doom. I see it as now I have at least a 1 in 4 chance that I'll have a successful kid. Also when I get old, I'll be able to guilt a different kid each week into bringing me food or visiting me. How cool is that?! Having 4 kids means I've seriously considered trading our car in for a mini van even though my SUV has third row seating. Adding a fourth kid has added stress - but not in the ways you'd think. I am more worried about letting a rude comment slip to a well meaning person who gawks at the fact that I look so young and have a belly with three kids in tow. I'm going to let you in on a secret if you think it's okay to say things like that to a person with a medium sized or large family.

You're a rude bitch and you're going to get half the visits I am at the old folks home. We'll see who's giving condescending smiles then, Grandma.

I do not think that adding another baby is the end of the world. No matter what the timing is. I'm quite tickled at getting to cuddle another sweet little soul and watch them bond with siblings. The truth is that there is no one size fits all for families. Some people want one kid, some want 10. While we can make the welfare argument because I know people love to justify their arguments by trying to relate on how this affects them (moot point here because I ball just fine no matter what's going on in my uterus) the truth is - IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I joke a lot about having a million kids, it's easy to feel that way when people look at you funny when you have more than three. I have the perfect amount of kids for my family. Having this many children has taught me a lot too. I've learned patience, I've learned how to tune out things that aren't blood curdling screams of pain, I can hide candy with the best of them, and man I can get through the grocery store like a frigin Olympic competitor! This is fine with me. My grandma told me before I had my second kid that on paper you can never afford another kid, but they pay in so many different ways. And she's right, I'm not getting any younger and frankly I'm tired of 9 month breaks from wine. So this is my last hoorah. The final little chubby pink cheeked cherub to end my reproductive years. And I am excited to unload 4 kids from a car - to get stares in public. Because I know that the only person your opinion is hurting is you. I see you frazzled with your one toddler and unwashed hair. Seeing me with collected children in public (mostly because I put the fear of Jesus in them) has to hit a nerve. I was you, I remember. But, let me lay it out for you, the thing that makes this all work is this won't be my first rodeo..or second...or third. It's all in experience. So I've learned not to judge you, and hopefully one day, if you're not just a total dick then you'll get to see things from my glorious parenting perspective. So before you make comments on how often someone is fertilizing their uterus to them, just don't.

With four times the love,

Kayla.

Really, we're all dying.

11:03 AM

I'm dying. Not one of those tragic, the end is near and I have months to live dying - but none the less every single day I am closer to my last. So are you. Had I known that I would be left a partial orphan before I turned 20 I would have had such a different relationship with my Mother. She was so young. So unexpected. But, it has taught me so much about being a Mother myself. I learned in the hardest way how important it is to live for today. I learned how invaluable memories are. I wish I had more. I've spent the last year re-dedicating myself to being more present with my children. I take a million photos, drag them out to do things every chance I get. I still very much believe in finding myself, but with that I have also put emphasis on that part of my life. I put my computer and phone down more. Everything else can wait. I think more in the short term than I used to and my God it is so glorious to do that. I live like I'm dying, like these memories only have now to be made, because let's face it, you really never know. I've made it a point to love more, kiss more, understand more. I've made a point to live while I can.

What being raised a conservative Christian taught me:

5:56 PM

Separation of church and state. I learned that one early but as an American I know just how thin that line can be. You're encouraged to support politicians that represent the good ol' American values. One that prays to Jesus and supports things in the bible - generally ridiculous Old Testament scripture. It's okay though because it's how I was raised, it's what was right and I appreciate immensely all the things this taught me. The year I was old enough to vote was the year McCain and Obama ran against each other, I voted for McCain. Yearly, and unapologetically I voted red all the way down the ballot. I did my duty as an American and I have voted In every election - small and large. I read on the candidates and I stuck to my family values. I voted in a manner that when I was asked at family gatherings that I could proudly say that I voted the same way as everyone else. I did my part, just like I was taught. Last year was the first time in 7 years that I questioned myself and it has absolutely bled into the here and now. It's because for once, I decided to not separate church and state - but not even church really, I decided not to separate Jesus and politics. I watched these men preach and the do the most inhumane things. I watched Fox News tear into the gay rights movement while the same people who were defending the "biblical" idea and value of marriage were divorced many times over. The people who boasted that they sit in a pew every Sunday tore apart the idea of human rights because they felt "immigrants" were ruining our country. The people who claimed to follow Jesus were picking and choosing verses from the bible to back up their point and not remotely embracing the values that Jesus actually embraced. I am by no means a good Christian by a normal definition, I constantly falter and know I could do better, but one thing I have always stood by since finding Jesus was the fact that I wanted to live more like that. To love more like that. What being a conservative Christian taught me was that it was okay to tap a bible and use it to back up a hateful point. I am no longer a conservative. I can happily say that. There are many, many conservative beliefs that I still hold true - like I am very passionately pro life. But I want to explain to you what pro life is to me since I'm not a hypocrite like many people seem to be on the subject. As a pro life supporter I do not support abortion. That's a given, but here's where things seem to confuse people. As a PRO LIFE supporter I support ALL life. I support basic human rights. I support children of immigrants. I support people seeking refuge. I support religious freedoms. I support love. I support things that in MY heart I feel are just morally right, and I don't do it because that's what a man made party tells me to do, I do it because I want to be more like Jesus. I do it because I believe that America is an amazing country with opportunity, I do it because I love the rights I have and I love watching us progress from the sins of our Fathers. I do it because I learned to think for myself, to think outside of the boxed in idea that I had to be one or the other. So take that as you wish, I won't hate you for it, but I will stick to my own guns (which I love having the right to own) because dammit this is America and that's part of my freedom.

When Life gives you lemons, but you're allergic to lemons so life is kind of a jerk.

1:34 PM

Warning, post may contain profanity. Meaning it does. Sorry, Memaw.

I figure there are 2 ways to live life,

happily, or anything other than happily.

No one wants to live the second way. Its just not as fun. I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last few days. It may be the pills the doctor prescribed, the fact that I have actually been sleeping more than 4 hours a night or the fact that I had a revelation that I am just done with ever feeling anything less than adequate.

My cat is a perfect example of how you should live life. She knows she is not supposed to be on the table but she just hopped up there.

"Get down, cat"

she looks at me...because she's a cat and doesn't understand english. I tell her NOT to jump on me from the table (I know thats her end game but theres no room since my computer is in my lap)

She jumps.

She hits my computer then falls to the ground. She then jumps on the table again, because she's determined, totally unfazed by her last face plant and gets back into her jumping stance. The cycle continues.

That cat is everything I want to be in life. Determined, goal oriented, and she give no fucks about my opinion of her or her actions. She is a happy cat.

We are all dealt cards by life. Sometimes our hand is great and all our money is on the table and we're winning. You are the gambler. You know when to hold them, fold them, walk away, and when to cash in for the largest bottle of vodka. Those are good times. The times you're in control and everything feels like its going just right. But things can't be like that forever. Its just not statistically plausible. Shit is going to happen. The car will break down, work will suck, you'll find out your husband is sleeping with your sister who isn't as pretty as you, youre going to blink and get mascara on your eyebrow. It happens...and it all sucks. But here is where things get interesting. The way your life goes is completely related to how you react to a situation. You can lose your cool, grab a bottle of wine and find a corner to cry in, or you can dust off your skirt and say "is that all you've got?".

You're going to get mad, get hurt, hit rock bottom but you don't have to stay there. It is completely up to you to get back up and keep going. THAT is how you live happily. Not by things being perfect, but by reacting perfectly to imperfect situations.

When you step back and look at problems think about how big they are in the scheme of things it can really help put things into perspective. Things could always be worse. That doesn't mean its not okay to feel down, but that does mean its not okay to stay down. Your life is a lemon. You are so lucky for all the things you have and if you really take a good grasp of it you can squeeze that into the perfect pitcher of lemonade...or lemon drop martini... Just remember when things seem tough and that lemon is really hard to squeeze or not quite ripe that things will get better. Just keep your chin up. You are in control of your situation and never let life make you feel like you're not. You go girl.

With love,

Kayla.