What I Learned from Sucking at Marriage.

What went wrong?

Why did I leave?

Why did I move on so quickly?

Why him. 

I'm not even going to lie; It always hurts. It's like the first time all over again every single time. No matter how angry you can get at someone you once loved truly and deeply, there will always be a part of you that aches knowing that this is pain you caused. 

Yes, I suck. 

There is not one single answer for every question. It wouldn't matter if there was. I've repeated myself a million times. I've justified actions. I've apologized for all of the hurtful things I've done. I have apologized for being unhappy. Who does that? The argument always ends the same, there are fingers pointed and I remember EXACTLY why I left. Why I moved on and allowed myself to be happy. Why I fell in love with a man who saw me as an individual and not "the logical next step." 

Every time we argue I see more of what went wrong. I see mistakes I don't want to repeat. I learn more about how I cut him to the bone. 

I would never want to go back and fix my first marriage. It's a lot like my first car, I loved it. It was happiness and then things just went wrong. It wasn't the cars fault or mine for that matter. It was both. The car was old, it was wearing down on it's own and my lack of paying extra attention to it like it needed just made the situation worse. That's what happened to my first marriage. Ignorance happened. Unhappiness happened. Life, simply happened. 

But, with the bitterness, the hate, and all of the pain there were also many lessons. When you are young it's hard to not be selfish. Clearly this isn't the case for everyone but I think most of my generation have a sense of entitlement. Life should be easy, fairy tales should fall into place, and it's easier to buy a new one than fix the old. 

*for the record, my relationship was totaled.* 

In ways him and I still have that problem, one of us is constantly in debt to the other for all the pain caused. I am blessed we maintain a friendship of sorts but it is always there right under the surface. This is what I learned:

A relationship IS about you but it's also just as much about your partner. When you love someone their feelings should always be taken into account in your head. 

People make mistakes. People say things they don't mean. Try not to let it get to that point. Before you go off on a verbal rampage remember how bad those words would hurt if they were flying at you. 

Relationships aren't fairy tales, they're a second job. Everything worth having takes work and things won't always be perfect. With that said, don't look for perfection somewhere else. It is not real. Every single person you are with will have downfalls. Find someone who's shortcomings make you want to kiss them on the head, not smother them with a pillow. 

The final thing I learned is to value yourself. Don't stay where you are degraded and objectified. That's not love, That's ownership. A marriage is a partnership and treat it like that. You are only as strong as your partner so find someone who will stand beside you proudly. 

Life is so much easier when you're holding hands.