Why marriage was important to me before kids - the second time around.

I had my first child at 18. I was unmarried, unprepared, and completely oblivious to the real world. Of course at the time I was certain I had it all figured out. I mean, don't we all in our teens? 

So life began. I was 2 and a half years into a mostly stable relationship when I gave birth. There was a beautiful diamond ring on my finger in the hospital while I held my baby girl. Laying in bed a few months prior to that moment he asked me to marry him. There was no big proposal, no ring at the time, just a simple "will you marry me". I'm 7 months pregnant with your kid and kind of expected that question like 6 months ago so yeah, I guess I'll make this life changing decision since we're already tethered for 18 years and all. 

So we were "engaged". We bought the ring together that week. 

But not like adult engaged where you plan a wedding and get to have all the excitement and bridal showers and venue tours. We were in engagement purgatory...which was really more like engagement hell if I'm going to be honest. I remember almost 9 months later fighting pretty viciously over the fact that we needed to either set a date and get married or we needed to separate. That week we set a date. Booked an elopement package and when our daughter was 15 months old we were finally man and wife. We bought a house, planned another kid and life revolved around them. We fought, but that was life. It's pretty much all either of us had known for much of our adolescence and early adulthood. The day that our relationship completely ended is burned into my head. Sitting in the car, I asked why he even married me if he was so unhappy. Then he answered. "You practically forced me to marry you." That stung. Holy shit it hurt so bad. Every time I think about it I'm flooded with so much anger, so much guilt. He was right. I pushed him. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I had nagged him to marry me. It was the "right" thing to do. I dropped hints, looked at rings, and I pushed it to the point where he felt like he has no choice and that it must be as important as i thought it was - even if he wasn't ready. Now I'd be lying if I said it was all bad. There were a lot of really great times, amazing times. Some of the happiest times of my life were sprinkled in with some of the absolute worst. Of course we loved each other, and definitely still do - like family. But I don't know if we ever quite loved each other like spouses. That night I threw my beautiful diamond ring at him and it never returned to my finger. 

I moved on. 

For the first time in my life I dated as a woman. Which is far different than dating as a teenager, I might add. You have a better idea of yourself, an idea of relationships, and I had a very clear idea of how I DIDN'T want to be treated. I never wanted another man to feel like he was forced into loving me. That was easy when I met someone who was so in love with me that it left me more baffled than anything. He saw things I didn't see. He loved parts of me that I had been told were terrible. He just genuinely loved me. It was so different, not that I hadn't been in love before. My first love was incredible, incomparable even, it was all the beautiful things that puppy love is made of. But as people grow older and change, sometimes the people they become are just too different to make it work. That was exactly what had happened with my first marriage. We simply changed and neither of us knew how to fix that. Here was someone who loved me just as I was - not 15 year old me. We laughed so much together. I don't think we have ever stopped talking, actually. A far cry from the silent dinners of my past. 

He had no children and I was in my early 20s with 2. I honestly thought I was done having kids. I remember nervously asking if he'd be okay with the fact that I didn't want anymore, and although I knew in my heart that that was totally unfair to him, he simply kissed my forehead and told me he completely understood and that I was enough for him. 

I mean really. Was this reality? I had lived a life completely built on the pillars of kids holding a marriage together and here's someone who wanted a life with me...just because he loved me. 

Hello, new concept. 

At our first lunch "date" he told me "in 3 years, I'm going to marry you." I thought he was out of his mind. As our relationship progressed we casually looked at rings together, picked out a song we may one day dance to but that was all In passing. We just loved each other. No real pressure, no expectations, just us living and falling in love. 

2 years and 3 months after we met:

I remember the car ride in the dark. I was cranky, it was chilly and I was embarrassingly angry we didn't have dinner reservations. We took a weird route in the opposite direction that all the places I'd like to be were and we sat in silence. Because I'm a spoiled brat. I could smell food in the car - but wasn't really in the mood for a late night picnic. I contemplated if maybe he was going to kill me and leave me in the woods - because you know I still wasn't convinced he wasn't a serial killer because he liked me way more than a sane man would. 

He made me close my eyes and he parked the truck and helped me out. I held his hand as I stumbled blindly until he stopped walking. My heart was pounding - this was out of my comfort zone for sure. I remember holding his hand so tightly...he had become my security blanket. When he told me to open my eyes I was in a bit of shock. He was on one knee with a box in his hand. I had been expecting this moment off and on for the last month but I was still so surprised. 

He wanted me. Not because he felt like it was the right thing to do, not because I was pregnant (because obviously I wasn't), not because I had endlessly nagged. He wanted me because he loved me that much. Enough to make me his wife, no strings attached. If anything he got the more complicated end by not only marrying me, but taking on a huge role in my children's life. It was in that moment I knew without a doubt that this is exactly how life is supposed to go. I was so grateful for the simplicity of it. 

So I said yes to marrying him. Not because I felt pressured or because my family thought I should, but because I wanted him to be the other half of me. 

Later, we both said yes to becoming parents together, because we both wanted so desperately to add to our existing family. 

Every time we have a disagreement we both say yes to loving each other a little more, because our relationship was based on that effortless love from each other. The love that was never pressured or dependent on other things. Just bare bone commitment. 

So for me, it was incredibly important that I find someone who wanted just me. Someone who wanted to take time to commit, and love me just as I was before creating life together. Babies are so beautiful and are ALWAYS a blessing, but I knew from experience how easily your love for your children can make you turn a blind eye on your relationship. I didn't want my girls to think that fighting and name calling was normal, It wasn't fair to anyone to be in a marriage "for the kids". So I took my second chance, and we did it in the more traditional order (despite its less than traditional start). It's only been 4 years but my heart is so full. Ups, downs and everything in between, our love has kept us unapologetically tied together. It was worth the reset.