Hello, October.

I don't even think I realized that the month had come and gone until I awoke to people welcoming October. So much changed in September. I went from complacent comfort to a rush of things changing. I played the victim momentarily. I was hurt. This wasn't my life. My life is a careful calculation of choices, even those that aren't always good, and a plan. My life is comfort. September was not MY life. But now, with it in the rearview I get to see even more clearly that September wasn't the end of the world. A sudden change of plans didn't kill me. Losing friends because it was the best thing didn't kill me. Learning my limitations with work and my irritable uterus did not kill me. Knowing what it's like to question everything about the life I had chosen, did not kill me. September did not kill me. September made me strong. It brought in with its first cool breeze the determination that I always had and just hadn't had to use in a while. It reminded me of the headstrong girl who has never let life have the upper hand. With September ending comes a new chapter in our lives. Things are far from perfect right now but in the scheme of things I am so incredibly lucky and I know I am highly favored. The thing about having an ego is that God has no problem shutting you down. It's not about outdoing anyone or being the best at something, it's about taking the life you have and making the best of it, even when the situations seem childishly unfair. Today I woke up and I too welcomed October. I welcomed the thought that even at its very worst, my life isn't that bad. YOUR life, isn't that bad. I am so lucky. So blessed. I counted every single thing in my life that I felt was a burden and then thought about how lucky I was it wasn't worse. I thought about how displaced I've felt the last few weeks and then I was so grateful that there was a roof over my head and that we are so favored with possibility and that we had such a strong God on our side. I thought about the restrictions on my business and how some people have reacted in less than compassionate ways, and then I looked at how blessed I am to have a business that even with chains around its ankles right now does AMAZING and I have so many happy clients that bless me over and over. I looked at my health and how it breaks my heart to feel like a bird with clipped wings, and how much I stress day to day on what is "too much" and how it's all going to end; then I feel tiny feet kicking me and I am so grateful for these problems. I am so blessed that despite my discomfort my son is healthy and my body is doing its best to keep him in there and safe and so are my amazing doctors. There are not enough thanks in the world to express my feelings towards the likeliness of my carrying this sweet boy to term; even if that means I have to put myself before the demands of others, as a Mother it is worth it. There is so much that hurts, emotionally...physically and even mentally - BUT, there is so much hope that is so much stronger than any pain.