Learning to Live Again.

I have this thing about men. I can look at them, touch them and imagine their worth to someone else. More than once I have said, in sincere honesty,  "One day you are going to make some Woman very happy." I remember vividly touching my ex husbands cheek the last time I uttered it. So beautiful and perfect, and I knew one day someone would see that and appreciate it like it should have been. That woman just wasn't me no matter how badly I wished it was at the time. I have made my fair share of mistakes. I, more than anyone was stuck on the fact that I didn't deserve to be happy. I broke hearts, I hurt people unintentionally and I was completely convinced that I was a corrosive human being. No matter how much good was in my heart or love, it was never enough to make me perfect; to make me happy. I had built a life and I had watched myself destroy it piece by piece with every ounce of fight I had left. I will never be able to fully explain the feeling of complete submission I was fighting back at the end. I had lost myself. My drive, my ambition...it was all just gone. Everything that made me, me, had slipped away from me and I hadn't even known it. I just wanted so badly to be everything to everyone. I just wanted to be someones happy but I had become someones heartache instead. Then one day, in a pair of big brown eyes I saw things change. There was a look of wonder and admiration. If you have never had someone look at you like that, let me tell you, it will stop you in your tracks and take your breath away. Its a look that you'd give up a years salary just to know the thoughts behind. Suddenly there was someone I could laugh with. Someone who saw so much more in me than I had seen in myself. Slowly, I felt myself opening up. I could feel my drive and ambition boiling, things I hadn't felt in years. It was like opening a door and stepping out and seeing the world for the first time again. I had forgotten how amazing the air smelled in the fall and the way that the sway of a boat on the lake could make your heart jump. The closest thing I can compare it to is diving deep underwater and then as you're swimming up you can feel yourself needing to gasp for air but you can't. The light is right there and it feels like every second is an hour as you paddle upwards and then there it is, that first quenching breath of air. That is the feeling of life, and our natural desire to hold on to it. I was drowning, and I hadn't even known. Despite my new found excitement and happiness part of me still said "this isn't for you." I looked at him and yet again that same thought took over. "You will make some Woman so happy one day, one that can love you like you should be loved." I know more than anyone what a mess I can be. I have never been the content girl by nature, I had always wanted so much more from life and at this point I had a mess of emotions running through my head and even worse, my heart. I couldn't stand the thought of being a failure to anyone else. Especially as a Woman. It turns out that at 18, you're not quite there. Its so easy to think you have life figured out but the reality is that most of us are still caterpillars at that age or in cases like mine we are cocoons. Life decisions have pushed us to maturing a little faster so we start building a barrier around ourselves and during this time we start to change. We may block out things about our past like our friends and we may start to feel different about life, we are beginning to look at it with new eyes. Eventually we are able to emerge and suddenly things have changed completely. Sadly sometimes when we change we leave other cocoons behind, still shaking waiting for their own day and we have to let them go. Its a very bitter sweet point in life but we all hit it at different times. Some people may hit it at 19 and others may not hit it until 30. I am sure there are bitter people who never hit it at all and die as caterpillars, but as is life. I had spent so long building a barrier to protect myself that I had completely forgotten why I was even doing it. Then one day it happened, I opened my eyes and I was born again. 

Because her Love has shaped me, this one is

With Love From Kayla.